November 2nd, 2008
Current Location: Bear Couch Candles, Brooski
Current Mood: Dreamy
Current Music: I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I'm so dazed right now. It's been raining and storming up here. Lots of lightning last night. It was lighting up the roof of the a-frame where I sleep. Lately I have been grinding my teeth when I sleep. I'm having vivid dreams, I recollect throughout the day, but ultimately I can't remember any dreams as a whole. Only the dreams I wake up with. I know that last night I had a dream I saved someone from something. I don't know if it was a gunshot, a car, what. But I jumped on top of this person to keep them from harm. Hmm? I also just spilt red wax all over my camera, great. I am still waiting to leave to Alabama. Still here in Big Bear. I know I am probably writing the way I feel... lethargic. I feel the same way every time winter swings around. Right before the season really gets started feel like things just aren't going anywhere. Maybe it's because I'm antsy for snow and snowboarding, but in all reality I thought I wasn't as interested in that kind of stuff anymore. Maybe it's just an "internal hibernation"? I wish there was something interesting for me to write in here right now, but there really isn't. I am selling my car! How about that? It's an '02 Land Rover Freelander S. I really like it, but I need the money, and in all honesty, the car is too fancy for me. Over the last year I have just trashed it. Going to and from Horse barns, carrying the dogs in the back seat after the lake, the barn, any occasion, without some sort of cover. I just don't deserve this car. So yeah, I'm selling it. Also.. I need the money for Alabama and possibly a new horse. Ugh.. I keep looking at me digital camera.. it looks like a red plastic children's toy camera with the wax just glazing every important feature. I shouldn't have knocked the table. Anyway, I'll come back when I have something to say..
September 7th, 2006
Comes the Dawn.. @ 11:23 am
Current Location: the plane that carries my love away.
Current Mood: desecrated
Current Music: there's heavy metal coming from your truck.
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin the learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is way too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure that you really are strong and you really do have worth And you learn and you learn with every goodbye you learn.
September 4th, 2006
Stop. It's too late. I'm feeling frustrated. @ 07:48 pm
Current Location: my daddy's hand when I want to hold it..
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Make you feel better.
Just when I thought things were smoothing out for a while and I was going to be able to focus on school, my life went haywire. I thought my life was on an actual slow upgrade. As the saying goes.."Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". 100% true. I was just getting stoked for bartending school, finally, after all of this slack off time. The morning I started my mom barged in my bedroom door at 6am and yells out, "Wake up! Your dad got in an accident, and we need to go to the hospital!". I was freaked out! It sounded like his last minutes were the minutes passing as we spoke. Long story short..he was working really late at Home Depot (his retirement job), and fell off of a ladder. He smacked his head REALLY hard. He was rushed to the hospital and ended up having major head trauma. It's been a week since this happened. I've visited him a couple of times, the last time I saw him was the hardest. I KNEW he saw me and heard me talking to him. I KNEW it! And I still have faith that he knows where he is and that everything is going to be okay. Today I got the news that he had a delayed contusion that is just now surfacing. He had to go into another surgery to remove a blood clot. He's not allowed any visitors for the next couple days. This is so difficult for me. Just a few days prior to his accident I was driving to Mike's thinking, "Wow, I really need to hang out with my dad...What's it going to be like when I can't see him at my own convenience anymore because he's gone?" I thought hard about it too. This is insane. Not to mention my relationship with Mike has really been taking a toll on me. We're both trying soo hard, but lately I've caught him in a couple of old lies (which, I've never caught him in a lie before) this opens new doors. His stories really haven't been making any sense lately. I'm really just beginning to give up. I feel like I am trying as hard as I can. If one more stressful thing happens between Mike and I in the next month I am just going to have to give up on him for awhile. I have much greater things to worry about, like the health of my dad. I have 100% faith, I know he's going to make it. I had doubts when this just happened, but seeing him the last time I know he's going to make it. Even after this last surgery. It's going to be a long hard road, and a big trial for the entire family. When I was with him on Saturday I talked to him, I know he saw me, I saw him trying to say something to me, I watched his blood pressure rise when I talked to him. I know he's okay deep inside, I KNOW! I told him everything was going to be okay, that he fell off of a ladder and he hurt his head. I told him the whole family was there everyday to see him, I promised him I would come as much as I could to come see him. I kissed his forehead and I saw his eyes tear up. I wiped a tear from his cheek. I know he can comprehend. He is so strong willed he will make it through this. If he made it through Leuchemia then he can surely make it through this. I feel like my whole life is crashing, like my mind, my body, everything is crashing. Like a computer. I feel so numb. I hope that the next time I write in this journal it's good news...this is the most difficult time of my life.
September 21st, 2005
Dino-flag-ALATES @ 10:55 am
Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Rocksteady in the river drowning.
Oh Kay, wow...it's getting really chilly outside. I'm likin' it, or better yet, lovin' it. This dude who was working on the apartments next door just came over and smoked me out. He rolled a joint in a few seconds, it was crazy. That was so chill. His name is Jason and he's from New Mexico. Cool...now I'm good. Last night I hung out with Blake. I don't know if I wrote about the other night on here already, but I was in my old apartment the other night! I went to hang out with Blake and I was like, "What building are you in?" and he's says, "A"...so I'm like, "A-201?!" and he's..."Yeah...A-202!" Right next door. I was stoked to even walk up the stairs again. It reminded me of old times. Oh man, I miss that place. So we were gunna smoke out and he knocks on A-201's door, and I'm like...wtf, I am gunna hang out in my old apartment. This buff dude lives there with his girlfriend Laura, she's cool. I didn't meet her boyfriend. We smoked and watched some TV show that I didn't really care about. I was just excited to be in my old apartment. It felt weird knowing someone else was living there now. I guess that's the whole strangeness of apartments anyway. That evening there was the most amazing sunset. I was driving down PCH and there was a rainbow that ended on the water near the pier, the sky was bright pink, and when I got to the Breaker's I saw the beginning of the rainbow. It was huge! Then lightening started shooting out of the hot pink clouds. Sometimes six or more bolts at a time, and you could see them in detail. They would imprint the sky, like time stopped for a second or two. Every time a bolt struck me and Blake were like, "WHOA!!!" just because it's like no other lightening you see on a regular basis. Anyway...that was a cool day. Last night I hung out with Blake again. I was supposed to go to Oktober Fest, but I guess it doesn't start until the weekends...then when October comes around it will be every day. People just can't wait to have a good excuse to drink. So me and Blake watched Nip Tuck, it was alright. Not like I remember. We just got stoney and ate Del Taco...I felt so bad after that. Ugh. I shouldn't have eaten that. I got home around 1:30am...I was so tired. I didn't put any gauze on my cuts. I just slept an all of them. Eventually they just dried a little. It seems like they healed more in just that little airing time then the whole time I've been gauzing them. From now on I'm just leaving them uncovered, but I still put A&D ointment and antibiotic ointment on them. My eyes are black now. It looks horrible. Like I have big black bags under my eyes, and black eyelids. The scabs on my face are ALMOST gone. Maybe in three days...or so. Alright...well I need to eat...
July 21st, 2005
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Dogs get dragged behind cars.
I'm a complainer, so I guess I'll complain. My back aches. The couch sucks. I hate snoring. Oh wait, hate is too strong of a word. Umm...I dislike snoring. It's been extremely humid lately, so I'm covered in sweat while I attempt to sleep. I HATE porn, yes hate is the prefect word for that. I wish there was a stronger word for hate, that would be even better. I can't ever make up my mind. I never look pretty enough to like the way I look. Doesn't matter what anyone says. My legs are white too late into the summer. The birds have been singing too early in the morning. I am such a light sleeper. I'm still trying to get used to the homeless people in the alley ways every morning. Loud shopping carts down the gravel, a dog on a chain, and the rattle of bottles in the dumpster makes an awesome alarm clock. I am tired of living in this mind. I feel as if I'll never change. I can't make myself do anything. Gabby is being a fucking bitch about my dog. It sucks when people are selfish. I am selfish. Mike says I have an open mind. I don't think I do. I woke up yesterday with a zit on my chin. It's still there. I'm so petty. I don't want to know what it's like to be starving. I try to appreciate everything I have. I don't try hard enough. Going to the doctors is lame. People are so judgemental. I am judgemental. I wish I was a positive person. Things always go my way, but never the way I want them to. If I didn't have any of this to complain about I would be complaining about something else.
February 29th, 2004
"wonder boy..." - klaus @ 09:48 pm
Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: amores perros (great movie)
well, well, well....it's been awhile. things have been going good. i actually just had the time of my life at the SCORE race in san felipe, mexico. i was there for just short of a week and i don't know if i can really give all of the details, but whatever, i'll try to remember. here is a recap:
there are so much more great memories, but i am too exhausted to explain. all i can say is it's been great to be able to get home and eat some normal food and take a shower in my own shower. other than that..i have a new job designing clothing lables for a skate/surf/snow comapny called renegade style. how i landed that one? long story...i think i've had like four or five different jobs since i started this journal, haha....it's all about the experience though. anyway, i am tired i'll talk more later....zzzzzzzzz.....
January 20th, 2004
haha, i got my own place finally!! the huntington breakers, 2 bedrm, 2 bath, two stories, 1/2 block from the beach. i got it right at the end of the complex, so we have no one to one side of us...it's kind of secluded, i am stoked. anyway, i move in tuesday. i need to start packing and working my ass off
January 5th, 2004
(no subject) @ 04:21 pm
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: ummm...
well, me and blake went surfing this morning. fun time usa! the long-boarders were talking shit. i actually went surfing all alone, because blake spent most of the time on main street searching for a rash-gaurd, so it would cover the whole in his wetsuit. anyway...we basically did nothing all day. i bought some new boots for the convention. we are leaving wensday, so i need to get packed up asap. anyway, i am making a list of what i need to buy and what i need to pack right now, i don't want to be missing anything. i feel really fat right now...i have eaten way too much lately. WAY too much. it's taking a toll on me. anyway...all i have to say is THANKS jordan, and yeah....adam kicks ass!
December 30th, 2003
Current Mood: high
Current Music: indescribable...
haha...i am baking some brownies, i think i ate too much dough to even be interested in eating them. hera is next to me eating her bone....sounds disgusing. anyway, it's dillon's mother's b-day today, so they're all out to eat right now, he said he'll call me when he gets home. we hung out earlier, but yeah...so anyway...
*adam kicks ass*
December 29th, 2003
"spunk my monkey!" - guy @ 10:04 am
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: fish tank
long story short...
after x-mas hung out with ryan...had a lot of fun, next day hung out with ryan kolodge again, he took me out to some bar in yorba linda and we played pool and drank it up, had a bit of fun, that same night on my way home johnny called and asked me to come chill, so i did..i passed out and it was cool, next morning woke up and hung out with johnny and his cousin dave, all went out to eat, super good (wings n' things --> hell yeah!) after that went home and got ready to go to the boogie with jeff, amanda, blake, daniel, and dillon...went it was very fun. danced with dillon the whole night, next day dillon called and i drove to temecula to hang out with him...we had fun. today, dillon just called...oh yeah, he's got a major crush...we're hanging out again today. not that i'm not interested, bc i have been since my freshman year in high school. anyway, everything has been getting better since x-mas, i have my truck back and everything is in the right place. just getting ready for vegas in jan. i need to get a tan soon. i am just too lazy to do so...welp, gotta go take a shower!!
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